Tuesday, 1 October 2019

Letting Go ?

I've always struggled to understand human behavior and maybe I always will and it's one of the reasons I prefer to roll solo? Letting go comes in many different forms, none of which are easy. When someone dies we have no say in the matter, and while there are those that give permission for a loved one to slip away to save them from any more pain perhaps? it's nothing  more than a symbolic gesture to make us feel we have some control over an horrendous situation, but we don't get to decide, there is no actual choice. The same with illness, it's a letting go of the life we once had, the person we were,  it's a confusing, frustrating, humbling mish-mash of emotions that doesn't get any easier with time, as with any form of loss, all we can do is try and learn to cope. 
A loss that's often harder  to deal with is  people that are still alive but that just don't feel about you as you feel about them?  We're all on different stages of our journey and sometimes we've served whatever spiritual purpose we were meant to serve in someone's life and they just need different lessons and different people and it's not always  personal even though it can feel like it? On the other hand however we  do still need to look at ourselves, I know I'm quite flawed and when people leave throughout life and you're the common denominater then  you need to accept you're probably the problem, I'm the problem, but as to what flaw? take ya pick because I haven't got a clue? And it's sad of course and certainly not how I'd planned on life turning out.

I remember as an 8yr old reluctantly moving house and sadly spending the last time with my bestie, we were sat on the curb and found a slither of broken glass in the gutter that we cut our thumbs with before squishing them together and declaring "Friends Forever"  ( a hyperventilating health and safety  moment by todays standards i'm sure? )  It was a time before computers and mobile phones and so I vowed that when we were old enough I'd come find her again and I did thanks to social media........... turns out she didn't remember me...Ouch! 

Moving on, years later my early teenage bestie announced one day that she wasn't allowed to hang out with me anymore because I came from a broken home.....Ouch! again, the truth was she'd found a new sidekick to replace me with, someone far more exciting to hang out with, I got it, I understood, I really did, although it didn't mean it hurt any less. I didn't fight to keep our friendship because I realized she'd already let me go, and trying to hold on to something where only one party is invested isn't a relationship, it's just one person making a tit of themselves.  By that analogy I seem to have spent a great deal of my life a Tit? 
A  boyfriend spent such a large amount  of our relationship letting me go before coming back again, that I ended up nicknaming him Boomerang. There was an age gap with him being much older than I and he was also a troubled creative soul, but I was as much to blame of course because love can do funny things to you and while mentally I severed the ties and put my foot down, my heart couldn't quite let go of him completely, hence the door was always slightly ajar for his return, no matter the years that went by in-between. I knew he never really loved me, it was a one sided love, but he couldn't stay away forever, he couldn't explain it other than  something  always drew him back because he just couldn't forget me, our on mostly off love story spanned nearly 30 yrs until his death, and he couldn't come back anymore.

When it comes to  family we often have this  mind-set that  we have to get on ? but in reality family members don't have to love you or even like you just because you're connected by DNA and no matter how hard you try it's not going to change the fact that they just don't freakin like you or want you in their life. Just as I'm sure we've all been in situations where we've taken an instant dislike to someone, we can't put our finger on it but we just don't like them? Or we liked them once but we just don't like them any more? We have to remember other people can feel the same way about us...and yes, that extends to family members and even the once closest of  friends?
I always feel a bit of a sap, because in all honesty it still hurts alot when it happens, and it  heightens insecurities as you search for answers, What did I do? What didn't I do?, but rarely do we get the answers or the truth which makes acceptance even harder, and beating ourselves up, worrying, going over the situation in our head serves no purpose and only fuels the insecurity further. So even if it hurts and it usually does, accepting that it's okay for people to let us go if they feel it's right for them and in their best interest, is the only way we  can free ourselves to go forward in the end, although it's also okay to leave the door slightly  ajar for all the family, friends and people you love in case they want to come back one day. 

I realised recently that an awful lot of my head space is taken up worrying about others, even though they evidently let me go along time ago. I have to admit that while Buddhist philosophy of not attaching to anything including people because everything is temporary is undoubtedly  true and makes sense, it's not always  that easy to put into practice, not that i'm a Buddhist , but it is time for me to follow my own philosophy that I mentioned before, you can't have a relationship of any sort when there's only one person in it,  so as hard as the lesson has been and continues to be i am determined to learn the art of acceptance of letting go......in plain English ? To stop being a tit.  Feel free to keep me company by sharing  your own experiences? 
                                            
                                                    Until Next Time, Stay Blessed
                                                            Back  Before Elvis.
                                                         


2 comments:

  1. Powerful words that we can certainly relate to - well said Stacy xx

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