I don't really know what i'm doing here or what my point and purpose is any more? Having a big brother and sister kinda gives you the strength to climb mountains, they allowed me to be the annoying little sister I was.
There's a humour, a banter, conversations and memories you can only share with a sibling, and since losing them both I feel lost & frightened, like a small rowing boat gone adrift, and despite decades of meditation my mind often feels the same as I picture the little boat drifting aimlessly, bobbing about in my head, crashing into the rocks of emotion jutting out, guilt, anger, sadness, confusion, Sure I can tame it for an hour or two, but somehow grief always takes over the reigns of control again and I find myself blubbing at least once a day?
The other thing I've come to realize is there's no escaping this monster grief. I'm sure it would help a little to be in good health so that at least I could pretend I was running away from it for a short while, hop on a plane, train, automobile, or even just use my legs to run the emotional pain out of my body to make room for the next wave, but grief is here to stay, it's like wearing a rucksack that you can't shake off, wherever you go it goes too & It's hard to sleep or do anything with a rucksack of grief on your back let me tell you. It unbalances you most days until you topple over, but when it does you just have to scramble back up on your feet and keep putting one foot in front of the other, if you can't do it for yourself then do it for your loved ones, You know it's what they would want?
I still have my sisters number on my phone & desperately want to call her in the hope she'll answer, I want to hear her laugh & call me Scrappydoo, see her cheeky smile, tell me about what she's been doing at work and at church, watch her eat cake & Snicker bars and drink frothy coffee, I want to hold her hand, but I can't, it's all in the rucksack of grief that I have to somehow get use to wearing from now on. So I can only hope that while I know I'll never grow to love it like a pair of Pyjamas or woolly socks in Winter I will one day get used to wearing it?
Today my thoughts are with all the family including Micheles church family and friends, and all those who have lost somebody,
I will of course eat cake, she'd expect nothing less.
Stay Blessed XXX