Saturday, 17 November 2012

It's Tha Weekend, So What?

As it gets towards tha weekend and a lot of my working online friends are getting excited at tha thought of a break looming, of party invitations, welcomed family get togethers (as opposed to tha unwelcome ones) a Saturday night out, stag/hen weekends, shopping trips into town etc. I find myself automatically joining in, posting up funny pictures that say TGIF (Thank God It’s Friday) or a status of “Yaaaaaaay its tha weekend”.

I don’t know why I still do this automatically because…well…its automatic, but I guess it’s an unconscious scream that says “I don’t want to have M.E/FIBRO, I still remember what it felt like to have a weekend off and I want to be like you and if I join in with your excitement then just for a few seconds it makes me feel normal” (Although tha word normal & me are rarely found in tha same sentence)
Tha problem with having an illness where you cant go out to work, means that days and times that were once little puddles in their own right, now suddenly run into each other forming one big  puddle. I often wake up not knowing my Tuesdays from my Saturdays, or my Thursdays from my Sundays. Morning, afternoon and evenings don’t escape my confusion either, sometimes I’ll hit tha pillow in tha afternoon , only to wake up thinking it’s tha morning.
Theres also many a time I wake up not knowing what day it is, what time it is, or where tha hell I am,  And while I’d luv nuthin more than to boast my memory loss is due to some inebriated, crazy, sex, drugz N rock N roll  lifestyle (Even one outta tha options would do) unfortunately its just tha normal day to day living with M.E/FIBRO
There’s no longer anything to define our days, our weeks, our months, which is pretty awful enough on its own, but then add confusion into tha mix, and its easy to see why we get so frustrated and upset by it all. However hard I try to not let M.E define my days, it does, even if I don’t always admit it , but that’s just trying to keep up a positive front huh?
For those of you reading this that don’t have M.E/FIBRO, let me ask you, if you knew you had an awful day ahead, you’d do what you had to do to get through it wouldn’t you?



You’d come up with a mental plan to survive it?  taking a deep breath and just getting on with it?  Using humour and laughing about it? Concentrating on tha end of tha awful day when you could sink a nice cold beer or large glass of wine? But what would you do if tha awful day never ended, ever again?    
                                              

Well that’s what its like to live with M.E/FIBRO, its like living a nightmare that we cant wake up from and as much as we may look “fine” as much as we may laugh, as much as we may try to carry on as normal as we possibly can, tha truth is our life isn’t normal and theres nuthin we can do about it other than we’re already trying to do.

Sometimes I feel I’m suffocating, sometimes I panic, hours roll into hours, days into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, this is my life and its slipping away and I can only be  a spectator of it. 

This isn’t what I’d planned or hoped for myself when growing up, I like most people had so many dreams, I was without doubt a dreamer, but I’m also a believer that if you work hard enough dreams can come true, so I did work hard, but I could’ve never imagined my entire life  being obliterated by an illness with just two initials M.E.
Like a lot of peeps I used to moan about having to go to work especially when it was freezing cold, or early mornings etc, I often think of that saying “be careful what ya wish for” now, and  I only wish I could go back to going out tha front door at 5am and being blasted by tha rain, wind and sleet.

Everyone copes in their own way, I get through by living in tha moment, this minute, its not a bad way to live seeing as this moment is all that we can be sure of. But yes , I do envy you your weekends, not in a nasty way……i just wish that I could join you.
But if you are blessed to have weekends then make tha most of them, embrace them, enjoy them, live them and have fun and most of all appreciate them knowing that not everyone is fortunate to have them. …..oh, and when you get to tha bar, imagine ordering me a large one ;) stay blessed back before Elvis ;) xxxx