Whenever I hear tha Kate Bush Track “Running Up that Hill” My first thought is to imagine myself literally doing just that. We live on a kinda hill here on tha street where I live, so I close my eyes to a black N white video of me running up that hill with no problem.
This is swiftly followed by tha realisation that I never actually ran anywhere even before I had M.E so I’d hardly be doing that in real life, even if I did ever get my old body back.
I’m a woman, god gave us buffers, small ones in my case, but buffers nonetheless, we weren’t designed for running J
And that thought is swiftly followed by my inner head voice saying …running up that hill?...running up that hill?….I’d be frickin grateful just to walk it.
August 14th 2012 marked three months since my Operation, and I’ve been up and down relapsing quicker than a whores draws, at tha moment I’m in yet another relapse….a relapse of what you may ask? And I would reply a relapse of just about frickin everything.
One things impacting on another so its hard to know whats what, its hard to work out whether right leg pain is connected to left tit discomfort, whether my spine is feeling crushed because of tha scoliosis playing up, my bones are hurting coz of tha osteoporosis, I’m knackered and got no breath coz of tha M.E, Muscles are tighter than a young jailbirds ass courtesy of Fibromyalgia, or tha Op, or tha whole frickin lot of them. ……
hang on I’ve forgotten being hit with instant menopause… not an illness just a normal life transition, but its hard dealing with tha other five things when your heads turned into niagra falls, theres steam emanating from every frickin orifice & you’ve turned a deeper shade of crimson….maybe theres a song in there somewhere? (Note to self: Must stop saying fickin every other sentence)
To complicate matters even more I have a gaping hole in my tooth with a nerve end protruding, it happened just before my Op, so I had to cancel tha dentists, it wasn’t so bad then, and its still not at tha point where I’m holding my cheek and yelping obscenities (apart from frickin) but I need to get it sorted before it gets to that stage so I have to arrange a dentists appointment which I could do without as I’ve just reluctantly made an appointment for tha doctors on Monday 20th.
I don’t expect him to do anything of course, nobody frickin has in 21yrs so Mondays not going to be any different, but I guess I just need some reassurance …reassurance of what you might ask?...& I’m so overwhelmed by it all at tha moment I cant even answer that.
Illness is horrible, & health is everything. I’d swap everything to have it back, every single possession I have. They say that god only gives you what you can deal with, so I can only assume, our communication line is buggered ( typical bloody virgin media) because I’m sure I put in a request for some stoppage time after tha second ailment.
I’d also like to point out that I’m not “dealing” with it exactly, more that I’m treading water & thrashing arms about like a mad woman in tha middle of tha ocean surrounded by sharks.
I’ve also pondered on tha fact that he thinks I’m of better use to tha world like this for some reason or other , but tha truth is there are some things in life we’ll just never know, like who puts tha hole in doughnuts?
So for now I’ve just got to concentrate on keeping my head above tha waves, and hope for a little improvement at some point or other…….& maybe, just maybe one day if I’m ever granted tha miracle of getting well again, I’ll be soooo jubilant that I might just run up that hill with no frickin problem after all,………especially if there’s cold beer & Chocolate waiting at tha top of course. Stay Blessed, Back Before Elvis :) xxx