So I was at tha doctors on Monday as I’m not recovering very well from tha Op back in May, I also seem to be in constant M.E and Fibromyalgia relapse and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. That’s what I said to the Doctor as I turned my head unable to look him in the face as tears streamed down mine “I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be ill for so long”
That may sound a weird thing to say, its not as if anyone asks to be ill as such but I do feel to blame to some degree, life choices, paths taken, corners turned, they were all chosen by me. Sometimes life circumstances only leave you with bad choices, granted, but I was still tha only one that made them, nobody else, so yes I feel responsible for tha predicament I’m in today .
I often wonder if those with other illnesses feel tha same way, I’ve never thought to ask. Who’s to say if I’d made different choices, taken different paths I may have just escaped tha all consuming clutches of M.E, I guess we’ll never know. Tha truth is I am in its clutches and seem to be running out of Ninja spirit with each passing year.
I cant speak for everyone and I’m not including everyone BUT…the majority of friends and aquaintances i know that contracted M.E , have either been high achievers who didn’t look after themselves well enough and eventually burnt out , or/and had a traumatic toxic past, both finally knackering the adrenal glands, nervous system and leaving the body open to infections and virus and BAM! Along comes M.E.
People often tell me to have faith, hold on to faith, find faith etc etc, but its bollox to think that god made me ill therefore he can make me well again. Sure I have faith, while I choose not to be religious or have a particular religion , I do believe in a god and I do pray daily, but you cant blame god for everything or make him responsible for putting it right.
Too many people are quick to use god as an excuse when things go wrong, instead of taking responsiblility for tha fact that they’ve just messed up or caused tha situation themselves. He can only give us tha tools then its up to us to utilise those tools and if we get it wrong then we only have ourselves to blame, not him or anyone else.
When I say tha words 22yrs, it becomes a reality, 22yrs, every inch a battle, a struggle, that’s often followed by a feeling of panic then immense sadness of a life lost never to get back and a probable whole lifetime ahead of tha same daily battle and struggle and tha truth is I’m tired and weary, physically and mentally. Even professional championship boxing matches only last 36mins and think how long and hard they’ve trained for it?
I feel such an immense shame at being ill I don’t think I could even start to explain, shame at being responsible for making wrong choices, for not working, shame at not being able to partake in tha world, maybe its just tha generation I grew up in, if you got ill, tough , you just carried on, everyone did, myself included ………until M.E struck that is….
because it took so long to diagnose I carried on working fulltime, it was literally like living a nightmare, I would slump over a table in tha back office trying to summon up enough breath to go back out front of shop, other staff would jokingly take the mickey because I had slurred speech and blurred vision and lose my balance but I’d just keep trying to hold on and push through until closing time because by that point I’d already lost everything else, I was too ill for a social life, to make music, I could no longer even walk tha 3mins to work and back, mum had to take me and pick me up, so I was holding on to tha last bit of normality, but that too became too much and eventually…I burnt out completely.
Tha doctor doesn’t know why I’m not improving, He cant rule something sinister going on but its too early to tell, it could be something not right with tha Op or it could be my other conditions impacting that’s making it a slow recovery, like he said “ its not that simple, its complex” he’s going to see about physiotherapy to try and strengthen my core muscles, BUT, he agreed that because of my other conditions it might make things worse not better, he’s going to see what tha physiotherapist says first and someone will be in touch. His also told me to ask when I go back to tha hospital in October what they think it could be.
But whatever it is, doesn’t take away tha feeling of shame and embarrassment and their aint no cure or medication for that. All I can do is what a lot of people do, keep praying for strength, praying to retain humour, and praying for tha Ninja spirit to return so that I can carry on fighting, Coz that’s all we can do isn’t it? Stay Blessed xxx