Thursday, 5 July 2012

What Ifs?


I try not to do “what ifs” in fact I very rarely do them, and even when I do it’s kept within tha confines of my head, because there’s zilch point in airing them really, its not like anyone can change things, it just makes other people feel awkward really and offer up a there there, give a few strokes of ya ego, tell you how wonderful you are and to look at what you’ve achieved blah blah blah!

I know  that probably sounds arrogant …ungrateful even, but let’s face it, it’s a fact isn’t if?  What else is anyone meant to say?  you don’t really leave them with many options, and tha “What if’s” is a pointless conversation best left to tha head.

I’m only airing it here because I’m guessing there’s many of you that feel exactly tha same so I thought it’d be an interesting article if nuthin else,  a chance to ponder, a chance for honesty even if its painful. Don’t you ever find yourself asking “What would I have become? What would I have done? Where would I be if it wasn’t for M.E?”

I have many many times in tha 21yrs of M.E’ness asked myself that question & there is tha odd occasion it cuts to tha core as I slip off to dream of how I could’ve taken on tha world but on reflection I don’t think things would’ve been that different if I’m perfectly & brutally honest, I just dream they would’ve been. All tha decisions I made back then would be tha ones I would have to make again if given tha chance go back, when you’re only ever given bad choices nobody not even yourself can blame yourself when you have to choose one, you choose them for tha right reason at tha time and once chosen you have to just suck it up and live with it. “what ifs” serve no purpose, you’ll never know anyhow.

When you’re ill and life is limited and you look back over your shoulder its very easy to feel bitter and angry and feel a loss and create some kinda wonderful life you could have had if only you hadn’t have got M.E…but is it real?

I could say “ oh if only I hadn’t got M.E, I could’ve gone to America and lived out there for awhile and maybe bumped into people like Run DMC and got signed by Sugarhill records and toured all over tha world and met Mr right etc…”

But in reality that wouldn’t have ever happened, coming from a council estate without a pot to piss in excuse my French, where would tha money have come from for tha flight? Let alone living accommodation, it would be looking back on a “what if” fantasy life, not a real “what if”

I don’t know who I could’ve become, or what I might’ve been  but in all honesty I firmly believe  tha lack of achieving jack sh*t that I’ve achieved thus far in my life would be tha same regardless of M.E…see on a positive note I can take responsibility and don’t blame my illness for tha bum I am today LOL!

My Life circumstances, my life choices  have made me who I am, sure M.E has me living in a bubble and it makes life extremely hard, I can no longer just go out tha front door, hop on a train to London to go gigging,  or pop into record companies for meetings, I cant even make it down tha path some days but I still don’t believe M.E has held me back in becoming who I wanted to be, I  think its just easier to blame M.E for not fulfilling a dream.

I think if i’d remained well I would’ve still been living at home, unmarried, childless & plodding along in some meaningless mundane job working all hours for a  poor wage ,living  hand to mouth and still plugging away at trying to have my music take off. Sure I worked hard, not only in my job but also trying to realise tha dream,In fact I worked extremely hard often having to burn tha candle both ends, so maybe theres some truth in tha view that it’s high achievers that are often struck down with M.E, I can believe that.

 But tha fact I’ve never made it, never really done anything worthy with my life isn’t down to M.E that’s down to lack of opportunities, fate, destiny and me alone. It would be lovely to blame tha world & his wife whatever, or pretend that if it wasn’t for M.E I would’ve been a superdooper star by now, but I know that’s not tha truth.

M.E may have and still does rob me from day to day living but I don’t believe its robbed me of who I might’ve been, I think I am who I would’ve turned out anyway unfortunately…although that’s not gonna stop me telling people that I could’ve been tha next Missy Elliot…if only LOL!  So who do you believe you could’ve been, or done or achieved if not for M.E? and is it an honest take on it?     Stay blessed, back before Elvis J xxx