Its difficult to get out and about when you have M.E and seeing as I’m still in post Op recovery its become doubly difficult. I managed to get out yesterday for tha first time to have a haircut, I never knew one could get soooooooo excited by the prospect of a haircut, but I was, Not just because I was beginning to resemble a long haired Llama but because I was eager to get out.
When you’re stuck within four walls day in day out its very easy to become agoraphobic, I know because I’ve suffered with it unfortunately. It was at tha start of my illness and I’d been practically housebound for two years with M.E so by tha time I could get out a little.... I couldn’t, it was as simple and as crazy as that.
For anyone that hasn’t suffered with agoraphobia, let me tell you it can happen to anyone. I shamefully have to admit that I used to laugh at documentaries where people had agrophobia, I didn’t get why someone just couldn’t go outside, they must be a bit of a fruit loop surely? So tha first time I tried to go outside after being housebound I opened tha front door and it was like being hit by a brick wall, that’s tha only way to describe it.
Adrenalin starts pumping through your whole body and you cant breathe, it feels like your gonna suffocate or pass out. I couldn’t understand it at tha time, how stupid that I couldn’t step outside my own front door. I’d shout at myself, swear at myself but to no avail. Imagine something your really terrified of, now imagine that same fear rising everytime you opened your front door to go out…well that’s how silly it is but that's what happens. I ignorantly didn’t ever think it would happen to someone like me, but just goes to show you, and it was certainly a learning curb as to how I looked at things and illnesses I knew nuthin about, I wouldn’t mock so easily again for sure.
It took another two years before I started to conquer tha agoraophobia and get out a little, I still had M.E so I still couldn’t go far but getting out was a blessing. That’s why I get terrified now when I’m housebound for more than a week or so, because I know theres always a danger of becoming agoraphobic again, and I’d hate to have to battle that a second time.
Due to Post Op, I’ve been pretty much housebound for five weeks apart from going to the doctors surgery to get my wound packed, so the anxiety to get out before agoraphobia gets me again is huge. So getting out for a haircut was wonderfull, I had the short walk from the car up to tha shops, I had people saying “Hallo” and I had my hairdressers, a little taste of normality.
Now I was one of those people that always swore blind they would never ever go scar flashing…you know tha people I’m talking about huh? Tha ones that trap you in tha Asda Isle to tell you about their operation and then suddenly whip up or down a bit of clothing to reveal tha scar in full view of passing shoppers much to your embarrassment. Or tha ones that have tha need to flop out a bit flesh and reveal their scar just when your about to eat…..great …thanx for putting me off my poached eggs on toast. Then you get those ones that compare ... Before you know it everyones getting bits out so they can compare tha size of their scars.
Well I have a confession…cough..splutter…I did it…..IT….i became a scar flasher. It was like an illness, I had no control. I was in tha hairdressers, and being pleased to see me my hairdresser began chatting away, and having been held up in tha house for sooooooo long i was only too happy to chat back & before I knew it she’d whipped up her top to show me her old operation scar and almost like a sneeze I followed, whipping my top up to show her mine. I immediately heard a little voice in my head cry out “NOOOOOooooooooo! Don’t do it” but it was too late, she’d clocked it, and began commenting on how neat it was, and that got me looking down at it and having to agree and wondering whether my surgeon had actually used a ruler.
Then I felt my cheeks go red as tha little voice continued “ you’ve just done sumthin you said you’d NEVER do and become a scar flasher, shame on you” I can only hope it was a one off and I’ve learnt my lesson, I certainly don’t want to become tha Tourettes of tha operation scar, getting it out at inappropriate moments and showing everyone and anyone whether they want to see it or not otherwise i'll have to join a support group and get some help. Having said all that, I’m still buzzing at being able to get out for a very short while yaaaaaaaay! and no longer looking like a long haired Llama. Back before Elvis, stay blessed J xxx