Tuesday, 13 March 2012

OverWhelmed


There are times when I’m overwhelmed by this illness, and right now is one of those times. when all tha symptons decide to show up all at at once, every single one of them, its almost as if ones decided to have  a party invited all tha others and tha venue just happens to be my body. I often cant work out if it’s tha M.E tha Fibromyalgia, or as my Doctor used to say “Something entirely different”.

Entirely different ?... Nooooooo I find myself screaming, tha venues packed enough as it is, theres not room for anymore. If i have a party i wanna have it where i wanna have it and invite my own guests. If M.E/Fibro was something I could see maybe it would be a fairer fight, I could have Bodyguards guarding…well….my body  “If you aint got an invite, you aint comin in” kinda thing, but unfortunately its far from a fair fight, I don’t know what I’m fighting, I don’t even really understand it, all  I know is, its there, everyday trying to pull me into a daily vortex of pain and horror like it’s  groundhog day.

Just as I’m trying to deal with one symptom that’s messing up my day, up comes another and another until I’m completely outnumbered and overwhelmed, paracetomol wasn’t made to conquer all of this at once. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed it scares me, its like I’m being over-powered and suffocated and theres nuthin I can do about it. 

This thing is way too strong and powerful for me,but like most sufferers I try to keep goin, stay on my feet, because tha thought of stopping is even scarier…..oh I’ve had to stop many times, lying there in tha dark, pain like a knife plunging into your chest with every breath in and out, trying not to take a too deep breath in tha hope it will lessen tha constant stabbing, and then becoming too exhausted to breathe so having to forcibly keep it going, and then tha need for sleep eventually starts to over power tha pain but you need to stay awake because theres a fear that if you let go you might just slip away.

That itself opens a  dilemma in your head, because in them moments it seems almost easier to slip away, and end tha daily nightmare, because even a moment becomes too long to suffer any more. Of course I cope, I’m 21 years in with this illness now so I guess I could  be considered an ol pro but it doesn’t get any easier. I’ve seen so many ME/Fibro sufferers give in and succumb, strong, beautiful talented human beings who were happy-go-lucky, lived and loved life to tha full, and then M.E/Fibro came along slowly chipping away at all that they were and all that they had, until there was nuthin left, it took them completely.

So I’ve been fighting 21yrs, but what if my fight goes? We all change, especially as we get older, I’m scared my fight will leave me, and I’ll end up being taken completley too. For those of you who are healthy its probably hard to understand but aswell as fighting our illness we are also fighting for our lifes, its hard to stay strong day after day week after week, year after year, we’re fighting to hold on so that although tha illness  destroys our body and  mind it doesn't destroy our  spirit too.

Realistically There is no hope on tha horizon anytime soon, I don’t think it will even be in my lifetime, theres not even an M.E medical research centre yet, theres no firm diagnostic test, theres still arguments about what it is and what part of tha body it stems from, so in some ways we need to stick around to keep fighting tha system too, if not for ourselves then for future generations, another reason to hold on.

So I may be overwhelmed right now but as always tha symptoms will level off again at some point, and I’ll be ready to continue tha fight …I hope my M.E/Fibro friends will also continue tha fight......so we can get this party started. Stay Blessed, Back Before Elvis, :) xxx